How to Write the Great American Indian Novel

All of the Indians must have tragic features: tragic noses, eyes, and arms.
Their hands and fingers must be tragic when they reach for tragic food.

The hero must be a half-breed, half white and half Indian, preferably
from a horse culture. He should often weep alone. That is mandatory.

If the hero is an Indian woman, she is beautiful. She must be slender
and in love with a white man. But if she loves an Indian man

then he must be a half-breed, preferably from a horse culture.
If the Indian woman loves a white man, then he has to be so white

that we can see the blue veins running through his skin like rivers.
When the Indian woman steps out of her dress, the white man gasps

at the endless beauty of her brown skin. She should be compared to nature:
brown hills, mountains, fertile valleys, dewy grass, wind, and clear water.

If she is compared to murky water, however, then she must have a secret.
Indians always have secrets, which are carefully and slowly revealed.

Yet Indian secrets can be disclosed suddenly, like a storm.
Indian men, of course, are storms. They should destroy the lives

of any white women who choose to love them. All white women love
Indian men. That is always the case. White women feign disgust

at the savage in blue jeans and T-shirt, but secretly lust after him.
White women dream about half-breed Indian men from horse cultures.

Indian men are horses, smelling wild and gamey. When the Indian men
unbuttons his pants, the white woman should think of topsoil.

There must be one murder, one suicide, one attempted rape.
Alcohol should be consumed. Cars must be driven at high speeds.

Indians must see visions. White people can have the same visions
if they are in love with Indians. If a white person loves an Indian

then the white person is Indian by proximity. White people must carry
an Indian deep inside themselves. Those interior Indians are half-breed

and obviously from horse cultures. If the interior Indian is male
then he must be a warrior, especially if he is inside a white man.

If the interior Indian is female, then she must be a healer, especially if she is inside a white woman.
Sometimes there are complications.

An Indian man can be hidden inside a white woman. An Indian woman
can be hidden inside a white man. In these rare instances,

everybody is a half-breed struggling to learn more about his or her horse culture.
There must be redemption, of course, and sins must be forgiven.

For this, we need children. A white child and an Indian child, gender
not important, should express deep affection in a childlike way.

In the Great American Indian novel, when it is finally written,
all of the white people will be Indians and all of the Indians will be ghosts.

Sherman Alexie, “How to Write the Great American Indian Novel” from The Summer of Black Widows. Copyright ©  by Sherman Alexie. Reprinted by permission of Hanging Loose Press. Source: The Summer of Black Widows (Hanging Loose Press, 1996)

5 Ways to Win My Heart

  1. Be Hot! In your head and heart. Every way else is optional

As Steve or Stefan, Urkel has a heart of gold!

Some of the hottest people I know may not be the paramount of empirical beauty or physical attributes but their kindness, work ethic, open-mindedness, loyalty, and confidence make them hot-to-trot. A really attractive person has got it going on in their mind, and instead of having a body that won’t quit, it’s their brain that I’d like to objectify. Haha! I think a person is really hot when I see they are engaged in the fight to change the world. It’s not asking a lot for a 21st Century woman to have a 21st Century man. For me, I’m still looking for a partner in crime to fight for the rights of women, Natives and the LGBT community.  Did you know that 92%* of people believe that the hotness of a person can be measured in what they do and say? It’s what’s in the heart and mind that makes someone attractive.
*Statistics not proven. I made it up, but it sounds about right.

 2. Love my Family or Die

My family is pretty awesome and it takes a lot to keep up with us. My mom and dad are easy to get on your side, just be moderately conservative and Mormon. It’s my siblings that my potential lover will need to worry about. My siblings are the most important people to me. There are five very distinct personalities going on, no need to walk on eggshells though, they are the chilliest, easiest people to get along with.  To win my heart you must win theirs so please like: talking about social issues, singing, laughing, quoting silly movies, and my dog.

3. Have a Passion for Compassion

Compassion is hot. It’s been scientifically proven.  People in general are a bunch of bastards so when someone is compassionate it’s somewhat, way hot. If you don’t believe me, think of someone who you really love or have a crush on. Now picture them with no compassion. Ugly, right? The opposite of compassion is shallowness. Shallow people are the worst type of people because they are selfish, they watch the Kardashians religiously and they think Obama is Hitler. We’ve all been given a wonderful mind to use, create and do. Shallow people are awkward, much like John Travolta’s toupee.

 4. Laugh! With me & at me

I would love it if I could make the Doctor laugh like this!

I love to make people laugh. I love to laugh and laugh at mostly anything. I like it when no one laughs at my joke except the person I like. If someone is witty then It’s on like Donkey-Kong!

5. Give me a book you like

I want books!

 I am not a lady who needs a lot of material things from a relationship. In fact, I am pretty uncomfortable when it comes to the ‘showering of gifts’ to ensure seriousness. The most intimate gift I have ever received from someone was a copy of their favorite book. He sent the book, Oh the Places You’ll Go, with a note telling me how special I was to him. Maybe it’s because I love books but I think anyone would like to read what inspires someone they love. Duh!

I wish I had a stalker who would use these tactics to get into my life. JK, or am I?

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